You Would Think

Well, John's last day at work is slated for April 15, next Thursday. I'm kind of stressed by it. On one hand I completely know that the Lord who has always met our needs, will again. On the other hand, I'm anxious. At one time I would've used the word "terrified" instead of anxious. But not now. Terrified is losing another baby to miscarriage. Terrified is waiting to find that heartbeat on ultrasound when you hope you might get to keep this baby. Terrified is seeing your 4 week old baby on a ventilator fighting for his life. And the amazing thing is that in those many terrifying weeks and months, He was there. Just as He promises. He brought a peace that truly does surpass any understanding this human will ever have.

You would think that after experiencing the miraculous birth of a child you thought you'd never get to have...
You would think that after seeing our baby boy completely healed of his laryngeal cleft and the doctors having "no medical explanation" for it...
You would think after driving all the way home from Cincinnati without needing the surgery for said cleft in total shock...
You would think that after He gave me back the marathon I wasn't supposed to run due to multiple stress fractures/bone damage/sprained ligaments...
and the list goes on...
You would think one would never feel anxious again.

I wish I could say I don't. BUT, the anxiety that used to take over is just a small part I have to fight back now. And, yep, He is the One who is able to do it. I'm still such a wretch. So I am processing where we are today, AGAIN. There is progress. I have to choose to trust Him, AGAIN.

You would think that as often as I've done that and as much heartache and difficulty as there has been, that I would have that trust part DOWN. I've learned that I'm not capable of doing that without Him either. So, I choose to trust you still and again, Lord. I'm not capable without You of resting in that so please help...AGAIN and still. Lord God I thank You and I love You.

Man, did that feel good to get out.

You would think I'd be able to stop and recognize this same pattern beFORE I wear my stress on my sleeve with my family. Here we go again. Okay, Lord, it's just a job, right? I've seen your work and You tell us not to worry. You take care of even the sparrows and You know even the number of hairs on our heads. Thank You for bringing peace and hope.